My above title was purposefully going to be a reference that I was going to move away from the topic of suffering. Brad Loser, our worship pastor, has done a great job with the two previous posts on the topic, not to mention the great messages that Bruce Wesley and Yancey Arrington have been teaching us in our “Tough Stuff” series that is about to conclude. But as I sat down to begin to write this blog, my cell phone rang. My mom let me know that my uncle, her youngest brother (early 50s), has cancer and has been given roughly 6-9 months to live, that’s if he decides to do chemo. Without chemo, not sure what that would do to the estimate.
So I sit here, wondering, how do I try to eloquently and creatively talk about music/worship and move away from the topic of suffering when currently it’s staring my family in the face?
You know, as much as I love music and singing and leading worship, and as much as this is a blog about music and ministry - there is no music, there is no ministry without the gospel and the saving grace of Jesus. I have to be honest - I don’t know that my uncle is a believer. I don’t know that any of his family is. And while it’s not my attempt to try to “figure that out” so to speak or come to some definitive conclusion, the question weighs heavily on my mind and my heart and I know that I play a part, or at least I should be.
The truth is no matter how diligently I work and prepare to lead people in worship, no matter how well I try to sing or play, I can’t, nor ever will be, able to save someone’s soul. Not my uncle. Not my own. No one. The reason I say that is because the power in what we do has to be - can only be - Christ IN us. And I should be more grateful and humble for the truth of that than I am.
But to be honest, that’s just a whole lot harder. And one reason I think it’s hard for us in particular is we musicians (and I would say creative types overall) can fake a lot of our involvement on sheer talent alone. And to make matters more confusing, ours is an emotive craft: we cause people to feel, to experience, to escape – in essence we can, by our own abilities, make it “feel” like the Spirit. And yet, the true power of Christ is nowhere to be found. I confess I have been guilty of this more times than I want to admit, and I sorrowfully repent of that.
Prayer. Falling on my face in humility. In surrender. In repentance. In worship. In intercession. That’s what I need to do. What I must do. Vigilantly. Constantly.
Who knows… maybe that’s what will make me a better musician. A better worship leader.
Keri Lilley
Praying for you, your family, and your uncle. We are not a people without hope--because of Christ in us.
ReplyDeleteKeri,
ReplyDeleteI currently find myself in the same situation. My grandmother, although much older than your uncle and "has lived her life" so to speak, is slowly fading. I have struggled with whether or not she is a believer. I am one of 22 grandchildren, and I feel like I have this weight on my shoulders to push her to be vocal about Christ because no one else will (she has definitely worn the pants in our family)....to force her to say the words that will make the rest of us feel better...that she believes that Jesus Christ is her Savior and ONLY through Him will she reach eternal life. It's selfish really. But I still feel it.
However, like you said, we cannot save someone else's soul. It is only Jesus that can deliver that gift. The truth is, I grew up in a very small mid-western town, in a typical lower/middle class family going to church... basically raised in church. In a place where the town knew everything that you did within 5 minutes of doing it. We had 3 stop lights in the entire town! I have several Bibles for "perfect attendance" as an adolescent and my earliest memories of childhood are of my immediate family in church. In such a small town, you would think that an entire family would have the same belief system. Yet, my grandmother isn't in a single one of my childhood memories that make up the beginning of my life with Jesus. I think that because I didn't see it with my own eyes, I don't believe that she is a Christian. That thought haunts me.
I have been a regular attender at CCCC for almost 5 years. I moved to Texas, from Ohio, in January 2006 after finding out that my father-in-law, who lived here, had terminal cancer. I was invited to a service from a neighbor the second weekend after moving here. I enjoyed the message that Sunday. But the one thing that I remember most was your voice. I not only cried my eyes out during the service, but I called my mom on the way home from church that day and reassured her that I would be ok. That I had heard the voice of an angel and I knew God had me in His arms. I found comfort in YOUR voice, after moving away from my entire family and everything I had known my whole life. I want you to know that there are many that beleive that the power of Christ is alive in your voice. You brought me back that second Sunday, when I felt alone in a large city, grieving, and I have continued to return nearly every Sunday since.
I don't know what I would have done or where I would be without Clear Creek Community Church. Unfortunatley, since my move here, I have lost my 54 year old father-in-law to cancer, suffered through a divorce, lost my job due to the economy, and have wandered in the wilderness with my 6 year old daughter in tow. It has been just the two of us. Through this hardship, I have truly learned that in these valleys God has built my character. I know that I need to lean into Him and trust Him. He has shown me the gifts that I have been given to help others. To pay it forward. To forgive and show mercy and grace to others. If it were not for your music that Sunday...I don't know where I would be in my journey with Christ. I do know that I am proud to invite others to worship with me at CCCC. I tell my story to everyone I meet. My daughter, Shaylea, at age 6, tells people of her experience as a Creek Kid. In her words, it is "totally cool to wear tie-dyed Creek Kids shirts to church."
Love & Blessings,
Jenny,
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for sharing your heart. I not only appreciate the very kind words you have written about me, but I also greatly appreciate the shared journey we have with being burdened about our family and if they know Jesus personally. I have been going through a very painful maturity process in all of this with 1) realizing just how selfish I am on a daily basis, and 2) how I have not developed a deep, significant prayer life for those I care about and for those who have not experienced the profound gift of grace that is offered to us through the cross. It has been both convicting and challenging (in a good way) that the most important thing I can do is pray, without ceasing. I have come to a place in my life where I desperately want to be known as a person of prayer. And I've realized that the intimacy with God that I see lacking in my life, I believe, is directly related to my struggle with being that - a person of prayer.
I'm so glad you found a home at Clear Creek. That's what the staff as a whole deeply desires for everyone who comes through those doors, and for everyone who comes into relationship with any of our community.
You sharing with me your heart encourages and inspires me to continue surrendering to Jesus and seeking him daily through prayer. let's do that together... and as a church!
I would love to meet you face to face some Sunday when we're both at the Egret Bay campus. Please find me when you think about it so I can hug your neck! :)
Keri